My path & philosophy of healing (so far)

Last updated April 24, 2023

This section outlines my understanding of the process of healing and self-regulation. Hopefully it will give you some ideas and resources you can use for your own journey.

One of the most fundamental truths I know is that all humans experience wounding and hurting, and we’re all longing for connection. If we don’t recognize where we’re hurting, we tend to seek the wrong kinds of connection, in the forms of behaviors, relationships, and substances that numb our pain or give us a sense of being in control.

Shame, anger, sadness, anxiety, and pain are all feelings that we tend to hold in our bodies, often unconsciously. These feelings come from our life experiences, and from feeling unsafe to express them in the moments when we first felt them. It’s important to understand that we are unconsciously taught to repress our emotions through social norms. And to “press” takes effort. These stored energies can act as a constant drain on the body’s energy.

Storing these feelings also affects our perceptions, our bodies, and our actions. They weigh us down and disconnect us from the truth and freedom of the present moment. Emotions are linked to the same part of the brain that is tied to memory, which causes us to re-live and re-create past experiences over and over, often subconsciously. We may feel scared in environments that once felt dangerous, but no longer are. We may feel angry at people who once hurt us, but love us deeply. We may feel triggered by certain words or things people say to us, even if they’re meant to be supportive. We may end up in similar dangerous or unhealthy situations as before, even though we know they aren’t good for us.

Until the emotions are properly processed, we will continue to experience them again, usually in an effort by the body to correctly finish what we’ve started. This is sometimes called the repetition compulsion.

Our stored emotions also affect how we breathe - there is a great saying, “how we breathe is how we live”. If we’re often anxious, we may not be exhaling enough, meaning our stuck emotions cause us to withhold air in our bodies. And if we’re depressed, the weight of the emotions can make it hard for us to fully breathe in. This is a simplification - how we breathe says far more about who we are and what we’ve been unable to let go of.

In order to heal, we often have to feel truly seen and understood by someone else and have our pain validated. We also have to feel completely safe in order to make space for our pain / emotions to be released, often with the support of another person. We can sometimes do this releasing on our own, but ultimately healing and cultivating a healthy sense of who we are requires the support of relationship and community.

Given that pain is stored in the body, it often has to be released through physical actions such as breathing, grieving, screaming, shaking, or simply being willing to completely feel the emotions we were once unable to. These are all forms of energetically un-weaving what is no longer serving us from our bodies and nervous systems.

Releasing the pain is often not enough. Underneath the pain we can often feel raw or unsafe, and given their tenderness, these parts can become re-wounded without the proper care. In the immediate moment following an emotional release, it is often helpful to reconnect to the feeling of safety, known as our “relaxation response”.

Moving forward, certain parts of ourselves may still need to be slowly nurtured through loving and trusting relationships, where interaction by interaction we re-build our sense of trust and safety with ourselves, other people, and the world around us.

Those of us who have been deeply wounded tend to be the ones who have the deepest capacity to feel and access love. As the great Sufi poet Rumi once said, “the wound is where the light enters you”. Under every trauma and wound, there is a gift waiting to be uncovered. With time and effort, even the most difficult parts of your past can become the ground that you stand on.

Almost any time we experience a mental health “symptom”, it is an ask from the body to have control over a past or present experience. Part of our work is to learn to stop identifying with our symptoms, to stop seeing them as who we permanently “are”, and to instead see them as temporary parts of ourselves that need to be listened to and tended to.

Similarly, none of us are born with ill will. Under every harmful act you, I, or another person commits is either ignorance or an innocent cry for attention, love, or acknowledgment of their unresolved pain. The more you embody this truth, the easier forgiving yourself and others will become. In this sense, all forgiveness is self-forgiveness.

The human body and its nervous system are more of a set of processes than actual things, and throughout our lives you can almost be guaranteed that you’ll encounter countless situations that interfere with their healthy rhythms. Becoming dysregulated is natural. It’s okay to feel anxious, depressed, and overwhelmed sometimes.

Whether we’re in phases of deep healing or not, we can all benefit from learning how to self-regulate better. Consistency with practices like yoga, conscious breathing, meditation, exercise, exposure to heat and cold, and singing or chanting (along with many others) can help us to nurture our bodies and improve our responses to stress.

You’ll probably find that your inner work is never finished. Every tool and framework you learn creates an opportunity to add leverage to your progress. Following through and using the tools consistently is usually the hardest and most valuable part of the entire process. A beautiful phrase that reflects this is “consistency is medicine.”

Spending time with amazing people who are on similar paths to your own will help you more than anything else. Simply by spending time together and acknowledging each other’s truths, you will recharge each other’s batteries and support one another’s growth. Notice when you are around people with whom the opposite feels true, and consider whether anything could change there.

Much of our lives are defined by negotiations between living our authentic truths and finding meaningful connection with others. The people who accept you and your deepest truths unconditionally are likely to be the ones you should keep spending time with and taking care of.

All of this work requires courage and radical self-honesty. Looking honestly at yourself, seeing your pain, and going through difficulty is like a muscle. It can be strengthened through practice, but it needs healthy amounts of rest and recovery in between sessions.

Psychedelic medicines and certain types of breathwork are amplifiers of conscious processes. If you’re struggling to see what work you need to do, they can help to create clarity. But they are powerful tools that are not meant for certain people or certain circumstances, and they must be used with intense respect and care, alongside the support of a deeply experienced facilitator.

With practice, you can learn to do breathwork on your own, and maybe psychedelics. The most important piece here is being able to get your body into a relaxation response, and to hold yourself lovingly as you surrender to the experience you’re having. All difficult experiences and sensations eventually end.

Learning to cultivate a deep sense of self-love helps us to handle difficulty. One of our greatest superpowers is to access our capacity to return to the warmth and safety of our own hearts, which we can energize and strengthen through practice.

Discover what energizes you on all levels - body, mind, heart, and spirit. Things like beautiful music, connection to nature, sitting around a campfire, breathing in fresh air, long sleeps in a cozy bed, delicious and nutritious food, deep belly laughs, time spent in physical space with good friends, disconnecting from technology for several hours, the companionship of a good book or TV show, a nice warm shower, sunshine, and slow mornings are all antidotes to disconnection and burnout.

Above all, making a lifelong commitment to your heart, your truth, and your mind and body is what will serve you the most.

♥

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